When I'm Gone

    I spent the better half of one of my days this week driving around with my friend Caleb. We tend to do this often- one of us decides to drive, while the both of us yap our faces off at each other. Our destination? Papi's Tacos- for the best avocado tempura and carne asada tacos I've had on Oahu. 

    "Stan" by Eminem came on my shuffle and it was obvious the both of us were feeling it. Recently I've shied away from my more "intense" variety of music since life has been seeming rather intense enough as it is. However, listening and- more importantly- singing along to "Stan" with Caleb sort of reminded me of my ever so passionate love for the lyrical genius himself. I was ready to expand on what happened as we listened to "Stan" together, but I think I'm going to save that for another post (the two will fall in line with each other nicely). Instead, I'm going to go backwards about fifteen years and show you where it all began. 

    The first time I had the opportunity to appreciate Eminem I was nine or ten years old and at my cousins house. She was a couple years older than me and her parents had a different idea of parenting than well, let's say mine did, ha ha! I just about dropped dead at the sound of his voice as I heard "When I'm Gone" play, but it wasn't just his voice that intrigued me. To me, his lyrics were absolutely exquisite! In that moment he won me over, another soul for the taking. Considering my age at the time, it helped that this song specifically was one of his less-explicit pieces, so I wasn't as intimidated by it as I might have been had all the cussing prevailed first. If you don't know what the song is about, I recommend you listen again. 

    My ten year old interpretation of it felt that he really hit home with my current emotions. My parents were going through the start of what became a divorce later down the line, and I think a lot of these lyrics resonated with me at the time because of that. Not that things were exceptionally bad at home or anything, life was pretty good. Regardless, a child is going to feel it when their parents don't love each other the same way that they used to. I think the emotion and sincerity I heard in his voice while rapping about his family is what grabbed hold of my adolescent ears. 

"but baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?"-"I followed you daddy, you told me that you weren't leaving. You lied to me dad, and now you made mommy sad. And I bought you this coin, it says #1 dad. That's all I wanted, I just wanted to give you this coin. I get the point, fine. Me and mommy are going."

    It was especially the chorus that melted my heart-

"and when I'm gone just carry on, don't mourn, rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice just know that I'm looking down on you smiling, and I didn't feel a thing so baby don't feel no pain, just smile back." 

    Perhaps I felt comfort in the usage of the word "rejoice" and that played into my acceptance of the song at my age. My mom was a born-again Christian at this time so maybe it felt safe to me to hear the word among a bunch of rap that had never peaked my interest before. It's interesting dissecting this moment after so long. There was also a mention of Hailie's little sister towards the end of the song, and I thought to myself "hey I have a sister, too", though I am the younger one of two years.

    I was really shy at the time and especially around my older cousin, who I looked up to quite a bit. So instead of putting myself out there and asking her what song was playing, I went on my flip phone and wrote down what ever lyrics I could keep-up with, so I could search for the song in private later. There was no way I was going to admit to not having known that one!

    Anyways- I was so in awe that it was literally all I thought about the rest of the evening. And of course, the first thing I did when I got home was share the song with my mom. I made sure to find a video with the lyrics so that my mom could see what I was feeling. She was accepting- shocked, but accepting of my appreciation for the man's work. She definitely proceeded to warn me about his "other songs" before expressing her understanding of my take on his lyrics. I don't think I'll ever forget these moments I've recalled to you, as they are fundamental to the poetic and lyrical interest that cultivated inside of me throughout the rest of my life!